When they’re independent, you are too

7 May

Written By Tom Palmer

Independence is for everyone.

When a loved one needs support we naturally rush to their aid.

It’s emotional.

We may feel a duty to do this for them.

We may even overdo it a little.

Maybe that’s not a bad thing… initially.

It's true, having memory lapses or feeling confusion is scary.

But here's the thing: you’re loved one values their independence and you value yours.

There is always a danger that too much support can be counterproductive.

Why? Because well-meaning support can sometimes encourage over-reliance.

The good news is you can avoid this for the good of you both.

Let’s talk about Dorothy and her family.

Dorothy went from bubbly and outgoing to anxious and weary.

She started putting things off.

Things like dealing with her finances.

Things soon built up.

Her son soon worked out what was going on and stepped in to help.

But of course, banks don’t let just anyone access their customer’s accounts.

It was tricky.

They were able to get things straight again by sitting together virtually with Suzanne screen-sharing.

This support boosted her confidence and she was soon back on track and taking care of things herself.

It’s emotional.

You both need to feel reassured.

And naturally, you may feel you need to go all in to support your loved one.

At first, that’s fine.

They’re going through a worrying phase.

You can’t bear the thought that they may get hurt or taken advantage of.

But when you’re wrapped up in emotions, it’s easy to overdo it.

Ultimately, both of you want them to stay independent.

You’ve got your busy life with family, work and your stuff going on.

And they value their independence.

So the trick is to gently reset as soon as you feel comfortable.

And get back to independence.

Support but not reliance.

When someone you care for takes a hit on their confidence, they can shy away from living life.

Even the most confident person can feel insecure.

This insecurity can see them rely on being supported more and more.

In turn, constant reliance can cause them to feel less motivated.

Perhaps even less independent.

Leading to a decline in well-being and still less motivation.

A vicious cycle.

Our well-meaning support can turn from helping them do things themselves to doing things for them.

So, although we mean well we could be doing more harm than good.

Giving support is a balancing act.

Finding the right level of support can be a delicate balance.

On one hand, you want to ensure their safety and well-being.

And make them feel supported.

On the other, you don't want to be overbearing.

There can be a risk of taking away their independence prematurely.

So start with a light touch.

Offer help only where needed.

Needs change over time, so your support will need to change too.

Try adding tools that help them ask for help without you needing to respond right away.

These approaches should help you both find the right balance.

Confidence is independence.

Regaining and keeping your confidence is key to staying independent.

Not so easy after a scare.

But staying independent is all about doing things yourself.

And living your life.

Studies show that social connection and a sense of purpose are vital for our well-being.

Without the confidence to engage, both of these will suffer.

Keeping a strong sense of control over your life is also crucial.

Think of it as a positive cycle where confidence feeds independence and independence feeds confidence.

Helping your loved one do things for themselves helps you both.

Far more than doing things for them.

A different approach for different folks.

What your loved one is going through and how they handle it is a very individual thing.

Everyone is different.

What works for some won’t work for others.

This is also true of accepting (or rejecting) support.

Proud and fiercely independent folks may find it hard to get support from loved ones.

Others may expect or even demand support from you.

But you know your loved one.

And what makes them tick.

Finding the right approach may be tricky.

But the rewards of independence for them and for you are well worth it.

Aiming for independence.

It’s true, your loved one’s independence is key for you both.

So, what next?

It may sound back-to-front, but doing things together can often be a way to encourage independence.

Staying physically and mentally active is vital.

So trying new something together, remotely or in person, can start them off.

Trying a new recipe, or exercise routine together over a video call for example.

Simply introducing them to doing things remotely can help them extend their reach.

Routine can also be powerful.

Help them set out their routine in a shared planner or to-do list and make a plan for the week.

Get set up.

Get set up with tools that can help you do things in person and remotely.

That way you can start in person and go remote once you’re comfortable.

It’s about having options to cover different situations.

Video calls and checklists for doing things together remotely, voice messages to stay connected, shared to-do lists to get organised, and reminders sent to our phones and tablets are all useful.

The most important thing is to get set up so you’re reassured the tools you choose are there if needed.

Then, reassured and confident, you’re good to go.