Not-so-simple support: When roles reverse

Taking care.

When someone you care for starts to need a hand, have lapses in memory or moments of confusion, it’s tough.

Tough on them.

And tough on you.

You worry about safety, their independence and what the future holds.

Not knowing if or when another mishap might happen.

It can put folks into fight-or-flight mode.

You both want to feel reassured now.

No wonder there can be struggles when loved ones offer support to each other.

It’s true, some may welcome or expect support while others may struggle to accept it.

But don’t worry, there’s plenty you can do.

Let’s talk about Janet and Edward.

After Janet had a couple of missteps, she became very reliant on her daughter.

She began calling many times a day.

And sometimes wouldn’t get out of bed if her daughter didn’t encourage her.

Janet relied a lot on her late husband.

Now she became over-reliant on her daughter.

Edward’s son only knew something was wrong when Dad kept glancing at the newspaper beside him.

Edward kept reading what day it was.

He’s very independent and struggled to accept help from his son.

We all see help from loved ones in our own, personal way.

Reversed roles.

We’re all individuals.

We’ve been shaped by our experiences of life.

And the shaping of our relationship with loved ones is no different.

These relationships are rooted in the roles we play for each other.

It can get complicated.

Think of your loved one.

You likely see them as someone whom you’ve relied upon.

They likely see you as someone they’ve long given support to.

So if they need support from you, it can feel as though roles reverse.

Way more complicated.

So, it’s easy to see that a delicate touch may be needed when offering support.

Put yourself in their shoes.

Our health is a very personal and private thing.

Throughout our lives, it’s our doctors who we share it with.

Think of your last doctor’s visit.

You likely spoke about intimate details of how you were feeling and the effects on your body.

You took their advice and acted upon it.

Totally fine.

Now replace the doctor with your loved one.

Not quite the same right?

But you’d still talk about intimate things, hear your loved one’s advice and decide whether to act upon it.

Seeing the conversation through their eyes helps us approach it in the right way.

I can look after myself.

Is that your loved one?

The loved one you care for is proud.

They see themselves as independent.

Likely they spent a lot of their life being the strong one.

The one who looked after others and got things sorted.

Maybe the breadwinner or the centre of the home.

But now they’re struggling.

It must feel out of character to need a bit of help.

They’re used to doing the helping, not the other way around.

Maybe helping you.

So, it’s easy to see how accepting support from a loved one might feel difficult for them.

You’re helping them help themselves.

So your loved one finds it tough to accept support?

Don’t worry.

There’s plenty that can help you both.

A good starting point is focusing on their strengths.

All the great stuff they’re doing.

This helps frame the conversation in an upbeat way.

And can gently lead into those areas where they might need a little help.

Let them drive the conversation and be at the heart of decision-making.

And be patient.

This is a big change for your loved one.

Give them time to adjust.

Get it right and it’ll be much plainer sailing from now on.

I can’t look after myself.

Some feel this way.

It’s understandable.

Knocked confidence can make your loved one downbeat.

And maybe they’ve always sought help in moments of need.

Now they’re coming to terms with a worrying change in their lives.

It’s a big challenge.

If they’ve always enjoyed a strong support network it’s natural to fall back on support now.

They possibly live by a belief that if someone is in need, you help them.

And now they are the one in need.

When their need seems this serious, you can see why they might lean on loved ones for support.

Help them bounce back.

Your loved one is downbeat.

You’re supporting them as much as you can.

But perhaps they’re over-reliant on your support.

So, what to do?

You want your loved one to feel supported.

But ultimately you both want them to stay independent.

Tricky.

But there’s a lot you can do to help.

Often finding ways to simplify your loved one’s routines is a good start.

Make to-do lists and set reminders on their phone.

So you can see the bigger picture and make everything less daunting.

With luck, simplifying and getting organised can help them feel more able to take control.

Look after yourself.

Sure, you want your loved one to feel supported.

They have likely looked after you before.

And the thought of them being scared, unsafe or being taken advantage of is horrible.

But you’re no good to them if you’re worn out.

Take a breath.

There’s lots you can do to balance things out.

First, get set up to do things remotely with tools for video calls, shared to-do lists and reminders.

Next, set some boundaries so you have time for yourself.

Then make sure to talk to friends about this.

Some are likely in the same boat and mutual support is so helpful.

When roles reverse, it becomes not-so-simple support.

Everyone takes to the idea of support in different ways.

And it can get complicated when roles reverse.

So it helps to put yourself in their shoes.

If their thing is ‘I can look after myself’, look at it as helping them help themselves.

And if they’re thinking ‘I can’t look after myself’, your job is to help them bounce back.

But you can’t support them if you’re worn out.

So remember to look after yourself.

Get set up with remote tools, set boundaries and talk about it to friends.

You’ve got this!