Lapses, not life lost

7 May

Written By Tom Palmer

Lapses are one small blip in otherwise independent lives.

Lapses are just that.

Temporary blips that come and go.

They’re frightening when they happen, but they are just one small part of your loved one’s life.

After a lifetime of self-reliance, lapses in memory or moments of confusion can rock them to the core.

The thought of them getting hurt or being taken advantage of is heartbreaking.

We can feel overwhelmed and unsure of how to navigate this new reality.

But you want to do things to feel reassured right now.

Don’t worry.

There’s lots you can both do to help them stay independent.

Ruth and her family found themselves facing similar challenges.

Ruth and her husband live away from their grown-up kids and enjoy full and independent lives.

But episodes of failed memory and confusion started to hit her confidence.

Preparing food became tricky, as she would get mixed up or not find what she needed.

Her husband felt he couldn’t leave her as she may not look after herself.

This was one small part of their lives that became a big issue.

But now the family sometimes cooks along together remotely.

Checking off shared recipes as they cook and enjoying their meals together over video calls.

Navigating this new reality is tricky.

It’s a shock when lapses begin or something happens that makes you feel you need to take action.

It can feel overwhelming thinking of how your lives might need to change.

You may start to worry about arranging care or changing your lives by moving closer to each other.

Take a breath.

With the right things in place, lapses can stay just one small part of your loved one’s independent life.

Things that help them overcome lapses without restricting their lives.

For Ruth and her family, this was cooking together remotely.

What could it be for you?

Focus on the person not the problem.

It’s true, memory lapses or confusion are worrying.

But it doesn't erase who they are.

It’s just one aspect of a much bigger picture.

Your loved one is still the same independent person you know and love.

Their confidence has taken a knock.

And they may feel less like doing things or become withdrawn.

Not quite the same person they once were.

This is when the effects of lapses start to spread.

But by helping them overcome barriers to doing what they love, lapses can stay just lapses.

See this through their eyes.

Picture your loved one.

Someone you likely think of as an independent person and someone you’ve relied upon.

They’ve lived through life’s ups and downs.

And they see themselves as proud and independent.

So, how to help?

This isn't about taking over their life; it's about finding ways to support it.

So it’s about offering practical help to get them through their lapses.

And it’s about helping them put lapses into perspective, knowing you’re here for them.

It's about ensuring they can continue living independently, with the reassurance of knowing you've got their back.

Don’t let lapses take over.

When something happens to knock your loved one’s confidence, the effects can start to build up or snowball.

If they start withdrawing from their lives, loneliness and declining mental well-being can follow.

In turn, physical health can start to suffer.

This can knock their confidence further in a compounding downward cycle.

The good news is there’s a lot you can do to break and reverse this cycle.

Simply knowing you’re there for them can give them the boost they need.

And practical steps like being with them on video calls when doing things go a long way.

Everyone is different and it’s different for everyone.

These challenges are different for everyone.

And everyone tackles them in their own way.

So it’s important to adapt to your loved one’s needs.

Getting their phone or tablet set up with reminders and cues can be helpful.

Also, sharing to-do lists and breaking down and simplifying tasks can go a long way.

And breathing exercises are a useful tool to calm down in moments of stress.

Most importantly, get set up with whatever suits you best asap.

Knowing you’re set up can help reduce the natural anxiety lapses can bring.

Help them be them.

It’s true, fearing another lapse makes you doubt yourself.

That doubt can spread and make you impose limits on your life.

Not good.

It can be tough to see a way around it.

But they’re not alone with your help to get back on track.

So what is it that your loved one loves doing?

How can you help them to keep doing it?

How can you help them help themselves?

Can you help them arrange something or prep beforehand?

Often it only takes a gentle nudge or two to help your loved one take the plunge.

You’re not alone.

Millions of people are navigating similar paths.

And the number of useful apps and online resources is growing all the time.

Useful apps like shared to-do lists, reminders and cues, apps for organising activities, video calling, and the list goes on.

And remember that a bunch of your friends and colleagues likely have similar challenges.

Talking with friends can help you and them.

Finding other people tackling the same challenges in different ways or that are at a different stage can really help.

So lean into all this good stuff and remember you’re not alone.